Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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