She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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