I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
