he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
