Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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