I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
