please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I got inside last night via doggy door
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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