We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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