If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
