So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
