Me too!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My vagina just clenched in fear
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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