I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
