Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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