This girl is more easily done than said...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
