I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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