Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
