you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
