My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
