matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
