We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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