All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
