I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
