the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
