So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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