saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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