I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
