he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
