I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
