I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
