Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
