I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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