there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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