got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
