Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
