Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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