Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
