I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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