I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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