i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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