My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
