Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
