I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
