I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
