Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
