I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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