went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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