i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
