I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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