I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
