Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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